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Labels: what are you?

So, what are you? A snowflake; a millennial; a baby boomer; a generation X? These are the labels that society gives us dependent on when we were born. We also get labelled according to our size, height, colour, intelligence, job and financial status. The list is endless. Labeling is so common that it has become a ‘shorthand’ for how we view ourselves and other people.

The trouble with labels is that they are rarely positive. When was the last time you described yourself by way of a positive label?  Labels tend to be negative and this creates a problem for us as individuals, particularly at times in our life when things are tough, when we struggle and when we feel anxious or low.

We start believing the labels that we give ourselves and this eats away at our self-confidence and self-esteem. No longer are you ‘the person working hard to provide for your family despite feeling anxious every day’. Instead you become (and I’m paraphrasing here!) ‘the fat, lazy, middle-aged, skint, idiot’. That inner-critic, that we all have, just loves directing unkind words and labels our way. When said often enough, we start believing that the words we say to ourselves are true. When this happens, we are in trouble.

During therapy we try to understand the life experiences that have impacted on the labels we give ourselves, for instance, if we grow up being told we are idiots we will start believing that from a very early age. Belief in our unhelpful labels will make us feel anxious, scared, angry, lonely; and these emotions? Well, they will confirm the beliefs we have in the label – eg: I must be an idiot otherwise I wouldn’t feel like this!

Therapy fosters building alternatives to some of those beliefs by:

  • noticing when our inner critic is at work undermining us
  • developing a more compassionate dialogue with ourselves
  • working out how to support ourselves when we feel sad, scared, upset and angry
  • trying to talk to ourselves as we often do to others when they are struggling

Doing so enables us to consider how we might respond differently to the words we say to ourselves. Therapy can help find the words that will enable us to nourish ourselves and help us flourish as best we can.

Is this an easy thing to do? Not always.

Is it possible to do? Absolutely, yes!

I’m Tracey. I’m 55. I’m a human being. I’m not perfect (because I’m a human being!) and that’s ok. I wish both you and me a very good day.

Mrs Angry – a journey towards self-compassion

“Grrrrrrrrrrr! How bloody dare they?”

If you had been inside my head last week that was what you would have heard.

On the outside I was smiling away, but on the inside, I was fuming; my jaw was clenched and there was a definite increase in my huffing and puffing. I did not feel great. After about two days, I remembered that perhaps I could be doing something about how I felt.

The thing was I thought I was doing something about it. I was thinking about it; all the time! I was thinking about my witty responses for the next time I saw the other person; thinking how I could rise above their comments and working out why they had been so unfair in the first place. It turns out that thinking about something, going over and over it in detail was not helping me in the slightest.

I meditate, so I sat with my problem in meditation. I think it’s fair to say I wasn’t meditating. I was ruminating and feeling cross. I could not accept how I was feeling, why should I? After all it wasn’t my fault I was feeling like this! Two more days passed, I was still cross about the original incident but now I was frustrated because I was still feeling angry. “You’re a therapist, you should be able to manage this much more effectively!” shouted the critical voice inside my head. Heads up, having a go at yourself does not make you feel better in any way, shape or form.

So, what did I do? Last Sunday, I gave myself a self-compassion break. I sat myself down and said out loud that I was struggling and that I was hurting inside. I reminded myself that just because the day job is being a CBT therapist it doesn’t mean that I have all the answers, nor does it mean that I don’t experience the full range of human emotions – I reminded myself that we all struggle at some point and that other people often feel this way too. As I did this I put my hand over my heart, spoke kindly to myself and I explored how I was feeling. It took a while but eventually I noticed a shift. I moved towards an acceptance of how I was feeling; this is me, feeling angry and this it’s ok; being angry does not make me a terrible person. I explored the feeling of anger and discovered that I was actually hurt and upset by the original comments and that my hurt had quickly turned to anger. In my anger I could not see any other point of view because I could not think clearly.

Slowing my breathing, giving myself some time, being a friend to myself and talking to myself with self-compassion allowed a shift to take place. I was surprised at how much better I felt and how quickly that change happened (if you ignore the 5 days it took me to activate my self-compassion!).

Self-compassion is great (in fact I’d say it’s awesome) but self-compassion is not our ‘go to place’ when our life gets tough. Tough, is usually the point our inner-critic raises its voice and we end up feeling worse. It is possible, however, for us learn how to be more generous to ourselves, to understand our ourselves and for us to work with the suffering that we experience.

Tracey Patrick is a Director of HealthWise Leeds, Accredited CBT Therapist and EMDR practitioner. View her profile here.

If you would like to find out more about self-compassion, then take a look at www.compassionatemind.co.uk or follow #365daysofcompassion on Twitter.

“You stupid woman” (our inner critical voice)

‘You stupid woman’, ‘you idiot’, ‘you always get it wrong’, ‘you loser…’

Sound familiar? That’s because you probably talk to yourself in a very similar way. This is called our inner critical voice, and boy, can it be LOUD. Sometimes it feels like someone is stomping around in our brains pointing out all the things we have done wrong. Anything that has been achieved is quickly brushed to the side or minimised- ‘okay, so you did a good thing then but to be fair it was really easy…’ Anything we can berate ourselves with becomes the preoccupation of our negative thoughts and feelings. Is it any wonder we can feel so down, angry, anxious, and stressed so often.

Why do we do it? It is possible that we have internalised these thoughts from our childhood, experiences at school, jobs and relationships. However, even if you’ve managed to go through life relatively unscathed by these experiences, it is unlikely that you’ve not been sucked in by social media. It’s not easy scrolling through airbrushed celebrities without comparing, even when we know they are airbrushed- ‘why can’t I look like….?’ ‘no wonder you can’t lose weight, Gweneth Paltrow wouldn’t eat chocolate!’

This critical chatter needs taming; but to do this, you need to realise you are doing it. Becoming conscious of our inner critical voice is not always easy. If you’ve achieved a gold star in self-criticism, chances are, you don’t even notice you are doing it.

Try to pay attention to any negative feelings you have, so for example, if you suddenly feel annoyed or find yourself in a bad mood, notice it. Then, try to think what has contributed to the mood shift, and see if you can spot any of those critical thoughts. I bet you can. Once you’ve got to grips with this, try and take note of how many times you do it. You’ll be surprised just how horrible we can be to ourselves.

Then what? Well, this is where you have a choice. Continue to talk to yourself in this way; a way that you would never treat anyone you love. Or, try to act with love and kindness. You see, most of us are compassionate when it comes to our friends, family and loved ones, but we struggle to apply the same compassion to ourselves. It’s almost like there is a rule where everyone else can be human, and can make mistakes, and we forgive them, but when it comes to ourselves we have our own set of rules – we must be perfect.

Up for a challenge? Great! Next time you start beating yourself up for beating yourself up sakes, remember to treat yourself like you would treat someone you love. Would you really be so harsh? I don’t think so.